I scanned my emotions this morning. But not for how I’m feeling now. I scanned them in reflection over the past couple of days (maybe even longer back) to identify the emotions I had felt, and to check in with the insights they were giving me.
I suppose it’s more like an inventory or roll call. Making sure they were all present, had all been attending my inner world, as well as my conscious and awake one, so that I didn’t miss seeing, acknowledging and learning from each one.
Often when my emotions step forward, I know they are there, I can identify which one(s) they are and determine what their message is. But I am sure there are times when I feel them, and don’t really notice them or spend the time with them that they deserve.
I may be too busy, distracted, not interested right then, not overly welcoming of a particular emotion (because of the work I might need to do with it), or it may not feel like the right place or time to really explore the emotion.
That I can recognise them and acknowledge them, let them know they are welcome, is a huge benefit – and not something I would have done many years ago. I am grateful for them, to them, and for my ability to now engage with them in such a healthy and enriching way.
This morning I stopped on envy. Envy and jealousy are emotions I have not easily welcomed, and I have a history of putting them into the negative or unhelpful category. I no longer do this, allowing them to dwell in my emotional realm with full hospitality. Are they in my VIP section?? No, but how ironic that they aren’t, because of all the emotions envy would most want to be in that VIP area!!
I know that I need to understand my envy better. I understand the universal message and insights our envy brings us, this being to help us identify what we desire for ourselves (and those we love), to help us gain access to resources, recognition, approval, and ensure that elements such as fairness, equity and security are obtained and maintained.
Having left the corporate world, and the pay cheques that go with it, almost two years ago, I can see why my envy caught my attention this morning. And why it has been bobbing its head up regularly. It senses my fear of losing what I have worked so hard over the past 30 years to gain and create for myself and my family. It acknowledges the loss of job title, identity and an element of status, security and external recognition for the skills I have.
So what does my envy want me to know, or discover?
Listening more intently, I could hear my envy asking, “What is it that you need, or desire?”. Great question envy – not an easy one, but a bloody good one. Let me take a stab at it.
I want to be OK, comfortable, secure. But I don’t want or need excess; I want less stuff, not more.
I want more connection and the richness of deeper relationships with people but not based on status or hierarchy.
I want beautiful experiences with the world, but not necessarily all over the world.
I want more creativity and creation in my life, not manufactured, artificial stuff.
I want to slow down, not be faster than others.
I want to live and work meaningfully, with compassion, kindness and open-hearted curiosity.
I want to be able to feed, clothe and house myself, to the extent that it enables me to experience all these other things and live life in that way.
Wow, it feels weird and slightly uncomfortable writing all those "wants". Growing up, I often heard the saying "I want, doesn't get" - what a way to sideline envy, huh?? Not any more though!
With the help of my sadness, me and my envy have let go of a lot of things; desires that we thought would make us happy, acceptable, successful, worthy and give us a good life. But many of those desires created misery, rejection, delusion, wastefulness, pain and pressure.
I now call on all my emotions to help give me strength and clarity when it comes to living a life that is fulfilling, richly abundant, nurtures what is important to me and beautifully imperfect. I know I don’t have to call the roll, as my emotions are always in attendance, but it’s sometimes nice to feel their presence when I call their name……
