My relationship with sleep and how I view it, has changed over recent times.
I still really enjoy my sleep, and at times cannot get enough of it. A bit like the pull of an exciting new romance, where you never want to leave the other person and you can’t get enough of them, this is sometimes how I feel when I awake from sleep – the longing to return, or the craving for sleep’s loving, warm and tender embrace when I have been away from it for too long.
Now however, it feels like sleep is an obstacle, getting in the way of the many things I must complete, or want to do. There is a tension between the embrace of sleep, and the satisfaction or challenge of completing the jobs, tasks, experiences, or movement that are waiting to be done.
Chronos time rears its head again, and the limited supply of time becomes a key factor in this dance between two lovers (or friends) – the replenishing calm of sleep, and the fulfilling energy of achievement.
One almost gets eaten by the other. Sleep gets consumed by ‘just one more thing’ to be achieved each night. But I hold sleep’s boundary on that one. It is too sacred to be eaten so mercilessly.
Likewise, I am not as obsessive about my sleep as I used to be. I’m no longer counting the hours of sleep each night, with a tinge of anxiety always lurking if the recommended 7-9 hours are not going to be ‘achieved’. I have let that expectation go (pretty much!) – sleep need not kidnap me from the creativity and fulfilment that is promised in each day.
Sleep now gives me the mini sanctuary within the larger sanctuary of my home. I can get into my bed and bid welcome to sleep, to its calming, slow, tender and caring embrace. The world (or the world that is closest to me) can slow or even stop for the next few hours. I can have my self for myself. I can replenish and re-centre.
When morning comes, sometimes sleep releases me freely and easily.
Some mornings, it almost feels like it is pushing me out of bed, albeit at 2am. Often though, sleep has a deep hold on me. The sound of a new day (aka my alarm) has to reach deep to find me and pull me out of sleep’s embrace. Sleep attempts to recapture me, recruiting the snooze button to help strengthen its hold.
But the call of the world becomes too compelling, too enticing. And as I think about what I can accomplish in the day, the joys and challenges that lay ahead for me, who I will connect with, these propel me upwards and out of sleep.
Now when I say ‘propel’, I probably really mean ‘nudge’. It is a slow re-entry and that feels right – a gentle, deliberate and sweet welcome into the day. A apt reflection of the balance I am getting better at creating between my two loving friends – sleep and fulfilment.
