There are no wrong turns on the Camino
When you are about to walk 830 kilometres across Spain it is understandable that you start questioning your fitness and physical ability to complete such a mammoth challenge. My training had been pretty consistent, gradually increasing my walking distances and my hill work. But with only three weeks to go until we started walking the Camino del Norte, the opportunity to complete whatever training was needed to get myself physically ready, and confident that I could do this walk, was quickly vanishing.
It was all becoming very real; self-doubt was creeping in, and the fear of failure was more than just a whisper. But then I realised something….
I realised that my worry about not being fit enough or having walked enough, or not being ready or sufficiently prepared, was a product of my need to 'know' and of not being comfortable in the ‘not knowing’. Oh, and you could also throw is a decent-size dose of my need for control into that mix!
My ability to walk 30 kilometres was in the bucket of ‘not knowing’, until I did it on a training walk about five weeks out. Up until that point, I had been a little worried that I had not yet walked this distance – I didn’t know whether I could walk that far. My longest walks had been in the mid-twenties, giving me a locked position (in my mind) that this is what I can do, what I ‘know'. I know I can walk 25 kilometres.
When I did finally walk 30 kilometres, I was then in the realm of ‘knowing’, and somehow that felt safer and more reassuring. But is that a false sense of safety? Walking 30 kilometres in New Zealand, is not the same as walking 30 kilometres on the Camino (as I would find out).
And does needing this reassurance only undermine and make redundant the whole reason I was walking the Camino, and making this pilgrimage? Because if I knew that I could do this walk, then why would I even do it? The only way I would know this, is if I had already walked it, right?? Therefore, all the training walks under the sun, would never allow me to know that I would be able to walk the Camino. Who was I kidding? Oh wait, me!
“One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.”
Krishnamurti
So I needed to let go of my clinging to 'knowing'; say goodbye to control and embrace the realisation that ‘not knowing’ is necessary. It is the reason to do this – otherwise just stay at home Robyn.... and save yourself a whole bunch of money!
Don’t get me wrong, having an element of ‘knowing’ is valuable. We need to have some information, facts, knowledge. But staying in the ‘known’ is limiting. There is no learning, no creativity, no discovery, no exploration, no challenge, no exhilaration, no growth in the ‘known’.
I would soon learn that the Camino nudges, or sometimes catapults, you into the ‘unknown’. It encourages you let go of expectations and your need for control (and delusions of it!!), so you can be open to the new possibilities and experiences that are on offer each day.
I would also learn how to move between ‘knowing’ and ‘not knowing’ with increased comfort, fluidity and trust. It was a beautiful and exhilarating dance of duality.
Here is what the Camino taught me about the limitations of the ‘known’ and the revelations of the ‘unknown’.
It does pay to do your research. I had heard and read that the Camino del Norte would be hard (one of the hardest Camino pilgrimages), but I kept my knowledge very light (I chose to stay in the ‘not knowing’). Day #4 gave us a real, and early, taste of how difficult and challenging this walk would be. Having more information would definitely help ensure you were set up well for a safe and strong walk on the tougher days – that’s sensible. It might have helped us feel more prepared (or maybe more worried), but it wouldn’t have made the so-called “tough days” feel any easier - in the same way the “easier days” often felt just as hard.
There are no wrong turns on the Camino, just another new path to explore. And we could always turn around and come back if we had to! This realisation was a game-changer, and gave full permission for my sense of adventure and inner child to take the lead. This not only kept me exploring, motivated and moving towards our destination (most of the time, but thank goodness for the locals on Day #8) but let my anxiety take a rest in my backpack, and made our Camino so much fun!
Sometimes you have to trust your own instinctive, built-in navigational system (ie follow your nose & trust your gut). We sometimes walked for hours without seeing another person. And we sometimes would walk a number of kilometres and not see a yellow arrow or Camino signpost. And when the Camino app doesn’t even know the way (which happened on Day #12), I actually didn’t have a choice. I often had to embrace the ‘unknown’, unleash my curiosity, use all my senses, trust my instincts and follow my nose. And on this day, it lead me to some delicious fried anchovies!!
I started the Camino making a commitment to myself that I would try not to seek or cling to ‘knowing’ any longer. I told myself that I would discover my fitness, my stamina, my body’s strength, my body’s limits, my endurance, my humility, my fragility – I would discover my Self - in the ‘not knowing’ of this pilgrimage. That felt to me like freedom. That felt to me like living. But what do I know??
