Carrying your anxiety can lighten your load
It was two weeks until we would be winging our way to Paris, starting our three-month exploration of Europe and six weeks of walking the Camino del Norte. There were still a few things to do - well actually tens of things to do! It was now feeling very real, and my excitement was growing.
My anxiety was really talking strongly to me, and I was listening keenly. It was letting me know that all the underground thinking, planning, ideating and mental arranging I had been quietly doing now needed to surface so that it could be actioned. And I realised that I liked the way this worked for me.
Yes, I had been thinking and planning for many, many months. My lists had kept changing, merging, re-inventing, finishing and duplicating (and maybe a few got lost?!). All with the purpose of helping me bring my thoughts and plans into order, so that I could get it all sorted and done. And hopefully ensure that our Camino experience would go smoothly and safely.
Procrastination is my superpower
I realised some time ago that I am a person who works to deadlines - the closer the deadline the more effective, efficient and powerfully productive I become. But I didn’t always know this, or value it.
I used to view this as a weakness or as being less effective than someone who is more methodical and completes tasks in a planned way towards the finish line. I envied people who could do this; they seemed so organised, so disciplined and like they just had their shit together.
Perhaps it was because I used to dread the feeling of anxiety as it leapt upon me, sending me into a tailspin of worry, panxiety (a combo deal of panic and anxiety), paralysis and shame (for not being more organised and getting shit done earlier).
I saw my anxiety as confirmation of my weakness, or even as penance or punishment for being so lazy, disorganised, demotivated and just plain useless (hear the shame in that toxic pile of self-beliefs???).
Back then I misunderstood my anxiety, seeing it as the enemy; as something to wish away, or run away from. And let’s be honest, society makes us believe that anxiety is bad, a disease, and our goal should be to be anxiety-free! Well that's not human; and not this human!
I also didn’t understand my way of working, and that my perceived ‘procrastination’ was actually my superpower. So unlike those people who do their work above ground, milestone by milestone or action by action, I do mine underground or internally.
Rather than seeing it as procrastinating, I am marinading or percolating my ideas, plans and creativity. And when the time is right, or the deadline close, all of that unconscious energy surfaces and results happen.
My anxiety was not coming to tell me off, or to freak me out. It was stepping forward with care; ready to offer me the gifts of focus, motivation and energy to help me get prepared for the future. And in this case, a huge bloody walk across an entire country!! It was supporting and reminding me that there were things I needed to do now, so that I could meet my responsibilities, commitments or promises.
And the thing I now understand about anxiety, is that it will not be fooled. You can try to ignore it, or distract it, or trick it by being ‘busy’, but it knows when you need to do something now to get ready for something in the future. And because it’s in your corner, it will keep making itself known so that you’ll be OK.
So as our travel deadlines loomed, my anxiety gently tapped me on the shoulder, and this time I listened. My focus kicked in. My energy and motivation switched to high gear, and I got so much done – I was nailing my to-do lists and meeting my deadlines!
I was a one-woman cyclone - but instead of creating chaos, damage and destruction, I was whipping up action, order and organisation. And I love it when this happens. So too does my contentment.
I also love and value my anxiety. It became one of the most essential and valuable things I carried in my backpack across Spain. My anxiety provided me with timely and necessary amounts of focus, energy and motivation (often before I even knew I needed it) to find my way along ‘The Way’. I will never leave home without it! Thank you Anxiety.
